COVID and Questioning

COVID has proved to make everything very stressful for everyone, except those who do not believe that Covid-19 is a real disease or is serious. At the beginning of all of this, I had recently been in a fight with my former suitemates and had just moved into a room all to myself. I was a bisexual witch with major questions about everything. But those questions always sat hidden from me in my mind. These questions all made one thing clear: I had no idea who I was.

My boyfriend always seemed to know more about me than I knew about myself. Of course, he didn’t know everything. No one did. It took me being alone in a room by myself doing research on sexualities and gender identities that I don’t feel fully female. That I fall in love slowly. That I develop crushes after learning who someone was. I concluded demigirl, demisexual and demiromantic. Time passed and I realized more. I’m not female or male. I am just me. I came to genderfluid and nonbinary as me. Then I thought more about my sexuality. I don’t always feel horny. It comes and goes at random moments. Greysexual, a part of asexual like demisexual, seemed to fit that category well.

Each time, I came out to my boyfriend first. Every time, he was incredibly supportive. I came out to my family, and they were also supportive. I wanted to go by Raven but decided to do it in small measures. First pronouns and then names. Ben, my boyfriend, was very supportive when I told him that I wanted to go by Raven. However, I haven't come out to everyone yet and some still call me London. I know how much love went into that name but I hope more love went into me as a person rather than just my name. London no longer fits me. The river by the city, the moon, no longer fits me as a person.

Raven means wise and chatty. It means sky warrior or sky princess. Raven comes from a fanfiction I read named Echo. The main character’s name was Rae. Rae was everything I wanted to be. She was a badass, sarcastic and witty. She was amazing. I still strive to be like her but in my own way. That’s why I want to be Raven. That’s why I am Raven.

It took me years and I am still figuring it out. I am me. I know who I am and who I want to become.

By Raven Scarupa


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